Sex Talk

Had a question sent in by a high-school student not in my direct pastoral care in a relationship asking about "how far" he and his girlfriend can go.  This kind of advice is always tricky, because you are dealing with a situation far more complex than e-mail can indicate.  I've never been an advocate of "Only tell them about abstinence," since I think the illicit appeal and mystery then can lead to some very bad choices.  Better to de-mystify it, give them options, then let them make their own moral choice.  This is what I wrote....

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First of all, a disclaimer.  I’m from the Episcopal/Anglican tradition which sees things differently than a lot of Christian denominations in this country.  We tend to be more pragmatic on issues of human sexuality.  You and your girlfriend may be from a different tradition.  It’s important that you take into account the teachings of your tradition and factor that into your decision.

That being said, you are asking me, so here’s my response....

On the theoretical level....

Human sexuality is a gift from God.  It is not in itself sinful, as the story of “original sin” of Adam and Eve in Genesis is about humanity wanting the knowledge of good and evil like God.  A lot of people get that messed up due to a history of interpretation that has more to do with celibate monastics than people living in sexual relationships.

It is a very powerful thing.  It can change a relationship for better or for worse.  Some relationships are enhanced by sex, others can be destroyed by it.  That is because in the sexual experience we gain a faint glimpse of the love that flows between the persons of the trinity and is intended to be between ourselves and God.  But whereas that love within the persons of the trinity is in a perfect trusting relationship, no human relationship reaches that same level of trust and intimacy.

So therefore, a relationship with a great deal of trust can be enhanced by the sexual experience.  A relationship that is still building trust or lacking trust can be harmed by it’s complete and utter intimacy.  Marriage, in it’s best form, is a covenanted relationship of trust that involves not only the couple, but God.  Within that relationship, sexuality should be a means to enhance the relationship with each other.  This is why the church holds up the model of sexuality within the bonds of marriage, even though marriages often do not live up to the model.

However, the church has not always had a unified view of marriage.  Paul was pretty negative about it, and so were many of the Early Church Fathers.  Marriage became a sacrament gradually, as Christians started to see something beyond a civil contract in them.  However, at different times in church history, the church has allowed or even encouraged sexual relationships outside of marriage.  It’s not as rock solid as some would have you believe.  However, the majority of tradition would point to marriage as the norm for sexual relations.

On the practical level.....

Lust is not a simple desire for another, it is a burning passion that sees the other person as a sexual object and disregards their status as a Child of God.

Therefore, I can’t imagine why kissing and hugging is not all right.  You are expressing your desire for the other, which is a God-like trait as long as the other person is honored and not objectified.

The question about what constitutes sexual contact is pretty subjective.  For some, only penetration qualifies.  For others, oral sex or mutual masturbation qualifies.  That’s a judgment you have to make on your own.  My own personal opinion is that they are all sexual acts and need to be thought through seriously.

For me, “Virginity” is not the issue.  Purity is not the point.  What is important is the fact that your sexuality is a gift from God.  How do you want to use that gift?  Are you willing to spend part of that gift, part of your self-made-in-the-image-of-God, with someone with whom you do not have a covenantal bond with?  It’s not just a decision between you and her, but a decision that God is involved in.

I would also be remiss if I did not at least mention the problems of venereal diseases that can be spread by oral as well as genital sex.  Some STDs such as genital warts can be carried without the knowledge of the carrier.

Ultimately, you will both have to make these decisions on your own.  But do know that God will love you whatever your choices are.  Despite the obsession our culture and churches have with issues of sexuality, there are much worse things in the world than two people expressing physical affection for each other.

Therefore, I usually teach an “ABC” approach to human sexuality.  “A” - Abstinence.  Sexuality is best expressed within the covenant of marriage.  Abstinence is preferable.  “B” - “Be with one person.”  Christianity has a theme of fidelity, and monogamy is part of that. If you can’t abstain, be with one person. “C “ - Condom.  If you decide to have sex, oral or genital, please for God’s sake use protection so that there is lessened possibilities of venereal transmission and pregnancy.

This is a weighty decision – don’t let the culture teach you otherwise.  Remember that “Sex in the City” is a farce, not reality.  You should talk with each other, pray with each other, consider the norms of your faith community, and talk to adults you know and can trust before you decide what level of expression of your desire for each other is appropriate.

David+

Comments

[Sarah Dylan Breuer]

In my view, Jesus redfined purity as having little, if anything, to do with who emits what fluids and where; insofar as we have Jesus' words on sexuality, it's more about things like love and covenant.

My pastoral experience is that sex does not change relationships much at all, and that one of the biggest problems that people (especially immature people of any age) experience in sexual relationships stem from their faulty expectations that the relationship WILL change because of sex -- e.g., that they'll become much closer, no matter how awful or sparse their communication is with each other, or that it will make them better lovers, or that it will deepen their commitment, or that it will prove that the partners are true men or true women. My observation is that relationships that aren't solid don't get any more solid because of the extent of sexual activity, and relationships that are solid (and I take the level of mutual and intentional consent to activities, sexual and otherwise, to be one measure of how solid the relationship is) don't fall apart because of how much or what kind of sexual activities the partners chose to engage in.

The bottom line, I'd say, is that sex is not magical; it's an arena in which we express ourselves as we see ourselves, our feelings toward another as we feel them, and our relationships as they are. Sex with someone with whom I share my soul, a substantial history, my most dearly held values, and a desire to grow closer is amazing (even if it's not orgasmic), while sex with someone with whom I shared little of importance would not do much for me in the long run -- even if I defined "long" as 12 hours.

Of course, YMMV, as they say.

And bravo for including the 'C' of your ABC's! My personal perspective is that we can have all sorts of interesting and illuminating conversations about sexuality, as long as WE STAY ALIVE, and too many people die because adults' failure to provide good information about viruses and their transmission turn their youthful mistakes (and we've all made them -- mine were as morally faulty as anyone's, but didn't involve virus transmission) into chronic or terminal medical conditions. I feel that, if there's any question of a young person's life being threatened, my first obligation is toward preserving and honoring that person's life.

Blessings,

Dylan

[John Wilkins]

A noble attempt, David. dylan hit it on the head.

There is holy sex, within marriage.

And then there is unholy sex, that is humiliating, violent, and destructive.

And then there is just sex.

And then there are consequences.

Fortnuately, we control the consequences in this era. They must be thought through, however....

Blessings,
John Wilkins

[Joe]

i dont know if this is the right place to ask this this but but please email me back with an answer thank you! i am kind of confused about adultery i know it is a sin but it is it a sin too like a girl? is it a sin to be in the mood? if it is then why does GOD let you get in the mood? i dont understand please email me back at joegarber93773@aol.com thank you sorry about to take up your time